July 22nd.
Time to take responsibility. Time to grow up. Time to mature. Focus on your problems. They need to be solved.
You cheat, you lie, you steal.
No longer stealing is easy.
You are too good at lying and can't give it up tat easily.
Cheating is your worst habit; not as easy to deal with as lying.
It will take a lot of work. A lot of effort, a lot of will power, a lot of perseverance. A lot of time.
I've been told that if this is me, I shouldn't try to be like someone else.
I don't agree.
i need to change. I don't want to be tempted away when I fine the right one for me.
Faithful, reliable, trustable, unwavering, loyal.
The traits I long to have.
The person I want to be.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Rehearsal.
-G.
The last week and a bit have been amazing and a wild ride.
I enjoy spending time with you. And that is why we need to stop seeing each other. You've been burned in the past and I don't want to be the cause of the next.
I've just made so many mistakes before. All of which I haven't learned from. It's to the point where no one but myself knows the extent of how much and often I've fucked up.
I'm sorry if this was unexpected. I need to solve my own commitment issues before I let somebody else in my life.
And trust me when I say you don't need to be involved in my own problems.
The last week and a bit have been amazing and a wild ride.
I enjoy spending time with you. And that is why we need to stop seeing each other. You've been burned in the past and I don't want to be the cause of the next.
I've just made so many mistakes before. All of which I haven't learned from. It's to the point where no one but myself knows the extent of how much and often I've fucked up.
I'm sorry if this was unexpected. I need to solve my own commitment issues before I let somebody else in my life.
And trust me when I say you don't need to be involved in my own problems.
Patience.
July 17th.
I've waited for so long for the perfect moment. Together, alone, happy. Three years.
And it happened. I waited so long to give you the chance to lead. You just seemed to stay by my side when I preferred that you leaped forward taking me with you. Hand in hand.
Three years I've waited, oogled, thought of the situations we would find ourselves in. Three yeasr I've waited for the right opportunity.
One night. One movie. One hug goodnight/ I leaned close enough to smell your scent. I kissed you once and then again.
"I've been wanting to do that for three years."
You say I've caught you off guard. I thought I ruined our friendship.
But your fingers traced the outline of my lips. You lead me to you and I was in bliss. That should have been the way to end our night starting from so long ago.
I don't know how it'll be like when we see each other again. But this time my patience has run out. I can't wait.
I've waited for so long for the perfect moment. Together, alone, happy. Three years.
And it happened. I waited so long to give you the chance to lead. You just seemed to stay by my side when I preferred that you leaped forward taking me with you. Hand in hand.
Three years I've waited, oogled, thought of the situations we would find ourselves in. Three yeasr I've waited for the right opportunity.
One night. One movie. One hug goodnight/ I leaned close enough to smell your scent. I kissed you once and then again.
"I've been wanting to do that for three years."
You say I've caught you off guard. I thought I ruined our friendship.
But your fingers traced the outline of my lips. You lead me to you and I was in bliss. That should have been the way to end our night starting from so long ago.
I don't know how it'll be like when we see each other again. But this time my patience has run out. I can't wait.
Intoducing G.
July 14th.
It's his eyes. Those enchanting brown eyes. G's eyes don't know what they do to me; how they effect me so.
It's what makes me swoon.
It;s how 'm able to on occasion divulge more than I intend.
It's what makes my knees weak.
It's what makes my words falter.
It's why taking me is easy.
It's what G's eyes do to me that I don't want him to know.
It's his eyes. Those enchanting brown eyes. G's eyes don't know what they do to me; how they effect me so.
It's what makes me swoon.
It;s how 'm able to on occasion divulge more than I intend.
It's what makes my knees weak.
It's what makes my words falter.
It's why taking me is easy.
It's what G's eyes do to me that I don't want him to know.
What's up?
July 14th.
How are you doing?
Questions like these are on my mind. I burn for the answers.
We no longer talk.
We went from work friends to an item to net even acknowledging each other. Now, we're back to being work friends.
Why is it that we could never enter that friendship stage I crave for now? I burn for the answers.
I'm living my life the best I can. Developing and strengthening whatever friendships I hold.
Who have you been seeing, and how have they faired? I burn for the answers.
I wonder if you think of me as often as I think of you. Do you, too, wonder of the possibilities open to us should things have worked out differently? Do you think about me at all or do you just cast away those thoughts? I burn for these answers.
How are you doing?
Questions like these are on my mind. I burn for the answers.
We no longer talk.
We went from work friends to an item to net even acknowledging each other. Now, we're back to being work friends.
Why is it that we could never enter that friendship stage I crave for now? I burn for the answers.
I'm living my life the best I can. Developing and strengthening whatever friendships I hold.
Who have you been seeing, and how have they faired? I burn for the answers.
I wonder if you think of me as often as I think of you. Do you, too, wonder of the possibilities open to us should things have worked out differently? Do you think about me at all or do you just cast away those thoughts? I burn for these answers.
Don't forget.
July 8th.
You can never forget that the little things count.
Someone put that in perspective for me recently.
For all the times I've come over announced or unannounced; drunk. Thank you. Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for sweeping me off my feet and whisking me to bed when I was struggling to even keep myself up straight. Thank you for the reassurance that you'll be there for me when I felt sick. Thank you for the reassurance that you'd still be there after I felt sick. Thank you.
You deserve better. Better than me. Whose only memories you'll have was a drunk girl who enjoyed partying a little more than she should have.
I can clearly see how I acted when i was with you.
Thank you for teaching me to be different. Thank you for allowing me to learn on my own to be different.
Thank you for everything.
You can never forget that the little things count.
Someone put that in perspective for me recently.
For all the times I've come over announced or unannounced; drunk. Thank you. Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for sweeping me off my feet and whisking me to bed when I was struggling to even keep myself up straight. Thank you for the reassurance that you'll be there for me when I felt sick. Thank you for the reassurance that you'd still be there after I felt sick. Thank you.
You deserve better. Better than me. Whose only memories you'll have was a drunk girl who enjoyed partying a little more than she should have.
I can clearly see how I acted when i was with you.
Thank you for teaching me to be different. Thank you for allowing me to learn on my own to be different.
Thank you for everything.
Smile.
The Song that got me through life's rough patches.
Smile - Charlie Chaplin
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your pain and sorrow,
Smile, 'cause it may be tomorrow
That you'll see the sun come shining through
For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
May be ever so near.
That's the time you must keep on trying.
Smile, what'sthe use of crying?
You'll see that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.
Smile - Charlie Chaplin
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your pain and sorrow,
Smile, 'cause it may be tomorrow
That you'll see the sun come shining through
For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
May be ever so near.
That's the time you must keep on trying.
Smile, what'sthe use of crying?
You'll see that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Why you?
What is it about you? What makes you so special? I never fall this easily. But, now look. I've fallen and fallen fast. I'm unsure of the climb back out? How long and far must I journey? Will it be as treacherous for me as it will be for those who love me now? Will I learn, if anything, more about myself and my inner workings?
It has not been difficult at all for me to let go in the past. And so I ask myself again, "What makes you so special?"
It has not been difficult at all for me to let go in the past. And so I ask myself again, "What makes you so special?"
I shouldn't have seen him again.
I feel cheap. Just another whore. Just another lay.
Why do I put myself through this? I know how it will all play out. I'm just there to feed his habit and unfortunately mine as well. As soon as he finds something new, funner, hotter I'll be forgotten . Never to be brought back into conversation.
You tell me to keep it on the down low. It's our secret. Don't worry; no one will know. It will ruin my reputation more than yours. To show my weakness of not being able to let go. To foolishly persuade myself into thinking that things will change. The situation and A will change.
He'll want me. All of me, and not the few parts that help him get himself off.
I need to tell him; I need to call it off. False hopes. I can't wait for you to see how wrong you were about me. By that time hopefully the essence that is me will not have faded into memories. If we were to keep this up, there just becomes more complications. I have worked tirelessly to reestablish our friendship. I cannot sit back and see that effort go to waste with casual sex.
Yes, you are amazing, but I value and respect what friendship we have. Sorry, I don't fuck friends.
Why do I put myself through this? I know how it will all play out. I'm just there to feed his habit and unfortunately mine as well. As soon as he finds something new, funner, hotter I'll be forgotten . Never to be brought back into conversation.
You tell me to keep it on the down low. It's our secret. Don't worry; no one will know. It will ruin my reputation more than yours. To show my weakness of not being able to let go. To foolishly persuade myself into thinking that things will change. The situation and A will change.
He'll want me. All of me, and not the few parts that help him get himself off.
I need to tell him; I need to call it off. False hopes. I can't wait for you to see how wrong you were about me. By that time hopefully the essence that is me will not have faded into memories. If we were to keep this up, there just becomes more complications. I have worked tirelessly to reestablish our friendship. I cannot sit back and see that effort go to waste with casual sex.
Yes, you are amazing, but I value and respect what friendship we have. Sorry, I don't fuck friends.
I need my stuff back.
I'm seeing you later today and I'm terrified. I miss you. I want you. My heart and its wants. I hope my brain can fight these feelings.
Don't say it out loud.
I wont admit it. Not even to myself. The moment I say it is the moment all the pain comes flooding back. the wounds I've worked quickly to mend will unstitch causing more harm to my emotions, thoughts, and heart. The hastily sewn stitches are the only things holding me together. Its keeping what's left of me in me. I've lost parts of myself in all the bullshit. I don't smile like I used to. My eyes don;t sparkle. I've lost my energy, my cheeriness, my ability to bounce back.
And if I say it, I don't know what else I'll lose. i don't want to lose myself to you. Specially if you wont care for those parts of me because in the end it's still me.
So I wont say it. I wont admit it. I wont say. Ilov wont.
And if I say it, I don't know what else I'll lose. i don't want to lose myself to you. Specially if you wont care for those parts of me because in the end it's still me.
So I wont say it. I wont admit it. I wont say. I
Rehearsal.
Please don't.
It hurts in the morning. Not having you there emotionally. And so I'm going to leave now. I don't want to wake up any more hurt that I already am.
If there's not a chance that you'll look at me like you once did, then please let's stop this. I don't know about you, but it doesn't feel too great knowing you can't hold the one laying in bed next to you. The person you really do care about.
Goodbye, A. I'll see you around.
It hurts in the morning. Not having you there emotionally. And so I'm going to leave now. I don't want to wake up any more hurt that I already am.
If there's not a chance that you'll look at me like you once did, then please let's stop this. I don't know about you, but it doesn't feel too great knowing you can't hold the one laying in bed next to you. The person you really do care about.
Goodbye, A. I'll see you around.
Dearest A.
May 26th.
Dearest A,
You're probably still hurting after what happened a week and a half ago. I want you to know that I'm hurting, too. I miss you. I miss the comfort and feeling of reassurance while in your embrace. I miss your smile and the way your eyes always seem to sparkle more when I was around. I miss being able to fall asleep easily in the security of your arms. I miss being able to communicate as easily as I did with you. I miss the texts and the nicknames you've given me. "Goodnight and sweet dreams baby queso." "P.S. My beds gonna be a little lonely."
Words on a page cannot express how guilty, mortified, desperate I am. I'm sorry. I don't know how many more times I can apologize or how many it would take. I know a simple apology will never do.
I no longer have your trust, but did I ever have it? Some small portion of my being can't help but think that I was being tested and with your knowledge. At the first sign of weakness, I've been tossed out like an unwanted penny.
Dearest A,
You're probably still hurting after what happened a week and a half ago. I want you to know that I'm hurting, too. I miss you. I miss the comfort and feeling of reassurance while in your embrace. I miss your smile and the way your eyes always seem to sparkle more when I was around. I miss being able to fall asleep easily in the security of your arms. I miss being able to communicate as easily as I did with you. I miss the texts and the nicknames you've given me. "Goodnight and sweet dreams baby queso." "P.S. My beds gonna be a little lonely."
Words on a page cannot express how guilty, mortified, desperate I am. I'm sorry. I don't know how many more times I can apologize or how many it would take. I know a simple apology will never do.
I no longer have your trust, but did I ever have it? Some small portion of my being can't help but think that I was being tested and with your knowledge. At the first sign of weakness, I've been tossed out like an unwanted penny.
Explaination.
To all those who actually know about this blog, I'm switching things up a tad.
You'll get to read my journal essentially. All my thoughts and feelings.
I considered myself a pretty okay writer back in highschool, and hopefully that still shows in my writing.
I've given it up, but realized it shouldnt be something you give up, if anything just postpone.
Words will come back flowing when you least expect it. When it does, hope you have a computer or a pen and paper handy.
A lot of the entries I had written in my journal go undated. The time span is not important. Just know that I've been changing, hopefully into someone better.
You'll get to read my journal essentially. All my thoughts and feelings.
I considered myself a pretty okay writer back in highschool, and hopefully that still shows in my writing.
I've given it up, but realized it shouldnt be something you give up, if anything just postpone.
Words will come back flowing when you least expect it. When it does, hope you have a computer or a pen and paper handy.
A lot of the entries I had written in my journal go undated. The time span is not important. Just know that I've been changing, hopefully into someone better.
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